I’m struggling with battling feelings. A tug of war in my soul between happiness and sadness; hope and despair. Several weeks ago I watched a tragic, depressing and completely devastating film about the sex trade around the world. After watching it my friend and I were talking about how to go on with life as normal, knowing about something so hideous taking place right inside the borders of our own country. Or maybe we shouldn’t go on as normal. Maybe we should take those depressing thoughts and feelings and DO something. Make a difference. Somehow BE Christians to a dark world. I admit I try to be an optimistic person, and I think I had an easier time “getting over” my sadness and despair about the whole thing than my friend. But maybe that is a flaw. All these thoughts are swirling around in my head now. I have many many things that make me happy. Great friends, amazing family, many possessions. And yet are these the things that should make me happy? Or should I find joy regardless of my circumstances, like Paul? Last night my content little bubble was again burst by not one, but 2 things. One of my precious friends is struggling with depression. Not just the “I’m sad, oh life is hard”, sort, but the, “I don’t care about anything anymore and all I can feel is numbness, kind.” From the outside she has a nice life. A wonderful, loving family, close, caring friends, a good job, a place to live, nice things. But the outside isn’t what counts here. She was asked to think about the last time she felt really, truly happy. And she thinks it was 8th grade! How can this be? Is she destined to struggle with unhappiness, depression, numbness for her whole life? And if she is, how does she live out what she knows to be the Truth of Christ? How does she live, period? I know life isn’t perfect. I know there are probably many more people who are unhappy and hurting and struggling than there are people who are content and just gliding by in life. But why? And in this knowledge, what is my role? At the gym last night I saw a segment on a nightly news program about institutions in Serbia where mentally and physically challenged people are just left to suffer and die. I was walking on the treadmill with tears streaming down my face looking into the eyes of these people who just rock and scream and stare through the day with no one to touch them or love them. How can this be happening? I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed at the darkness and hopelessness of the world. Another of my friends tried to console me after I watched the movie about the sex trade. “Sure, the world is crap, but there is hope.” Really? For who? For me because I claim to know and follow Jesus? OK, fine. But what about the rest of the dying world? There is no hope for them. I can’t sit contentedly on my sofa and tell myself it will all be OK because there is hope. And yet that’s what I do! Is it a defense mechanism to sort of pretend that things are better than they are? Or is it just human nature to ignore what goes on outside of our own little bubbles? What should I do? Should I give everything up, everything that’s not really important anyway, and go live among the hurting? Should I sell all my stuff and give the money to charities? Or should I keep doing what I’m doing and try to influence those around me to be lights in the dark? I honestly have no idea. But sadly, I know one thing. Right now, I’ll just go back to my everyday life, pushing reality and truth to the recesses of my mind. Because if I don’t do that, what will I do?
