Weekend fun at Grandma and Grandpa's

Jeff had a swim meet last Saturday afternoon and evening so Olivia went up to the mountains to visit Grandma and Grandpa. We had lots of fun! We even made a sled and went sledding. We also made cookies, read lots of books, played babies, potato head, coloring, play dough and even read the Quiet Book Grammy made, which was very special. Thanks Grandma and Grandpa for a wonderful time!

The Guilt Monster

Arg. Mondays are hard anyway, but this morning was a doozy. Lately Olivia has been sleeping in a little (hallelujah!) and I often have to wake her up to get to Nadxieli’s on time. This is a good thing in part because I am able to take a shower, get ready, pack our bags, etc., while she sleeps. Today, though, she woke up early. Soooo, in the 13 minutes Jeff has to get ready, he also tries to entertain her while I jump in the shower. Then I rush and rush to put on makeup, tidy up my hair, get dressed, pack our bags, let Olivia watch TV, get Olivia a morning snack, change Olivia’s diaper, calm Olivia after Daddy leaves. It’s a bit chaotic. And I’m trying to push down the guilt monster that creeps into my mind and heart. “Why are you worrying about mascara when your little girl is asking to play?” It says. “Why are you changing shirts when you could be tickling your little girl and making her laugh”? It taunts. Throw on top of that stupid monster the fact that Olivia has reverted back to loving Daddy a LOT more than mommy, and I really start to listen to that icky voice. “It’s right,” I think, “no wonder Olivia prefers Jeff. He is more fun, he is always excited to see her, he takes time to play and be silly and laugh and make her a priority while I waste away precious minutes getting ready for A JOB I DON’T WANT.” And BAM. The morning goes to hell. Stupid guilt. Stupid job. Stupid economy. Stupid me.

I tell Olivia we need to start getting ready to go to Nadxieli’s house and she says “no Nayee. Home.” Crack goes my heart. I manage to make Olivia cry twice in a span of 20 minutes, not letting her go outside with me to warm up the car and then putting Elmo in the wrong spot once we’re all buckled in. I hate those tears no matter what, but I hate them most in the morning when I know I have to leave her for the day. If I have to at all, I want to part ways after smiles, laughs, solid moments of quality time together, snuggles, hugs and kisses. Stupid Mondays. We make it to Nadxieli’s house and Olivia is clingy. Oh how I want to keep holding her close. How I want to snuggle up with her and watch TV and ignore the other annoying voices that say “you’ll ruin her brain, she’s going to have ADD, she’ll never learn independent play, you’re a lazy mom.” (those voices are for an entirely different post!) Instead Nadxieli and I have to coax her down out of my arms, over to her special chair, so I can give her a kiss and hug and tell her bye-bye. “You’re going to have a great day, sweetie! I’m so glad you’ll get to play and have fun today! I love you!” I force cheerfully, while my heart aches to grab her and run home. I head for the door as Naxdieli sits down next to my little angel. And as I turn for one last look I see Olivia start to cry, call my name and reach for me. And it’s all I can do not to fall apart right there in the entry way. But instead, I walk out, let a few tears slide down my cheek, put on a brave face and chant all the way to work, “you are not a bad mom, you are not a bad mom, Olivia is fine, she’s probably already stopped crying, you are doing your best, you have a great nanny, Olivia is happy, you are not a bad mom.”

I'm already remembering our frantic morning with regret. Did I hug her tightly enough? Did I get her more strawberries gladly enough and with a big enough smile? Did I thank enough her for being sweet and helping me? Did I love her enough? But did she FEEL it enough. And so goes another week of mommy guilt. Yippee. 

Don't judge a book by it's cover

Check this out:

Can you tell that's me? Cool, huh?! Well, I have to tell you, it's not my first cover ;) Several years ago the cover designers at work decided to try to use a live model for a 2nd book in a series and I got to be the model. We went over by UCCS in the SNOW and I wore this cool cloak and I actually ended up on the book cover. Trouble is, you can't really tell that it's me, or at least I don't actually want people to think it's me. Why? Because I'm vain and I think it makes me look like I have a big nose! Not to mention the book didn't sell that well. Maybe it was my fault! People choose books based on their covers all the time!

I haven't read Table by the Window, but I've heard it's a fun, cute read, so I hope it will sell well. The photo shoot was all I needed to know I wouldn't make a good professional model. It was actually just supposed to be an activity in creative brainstorming for the designer, Kelly. She had an idea for the cover in mind, but just couldn't pin it down, so she asked if she could shoot some photos to help her creative process. We just went down into the breakroom area of our office, took a few props (a pencil, writing paper, a coffee mug) and she started taking pictures. Hello, I was SO AWKWARD. She's actually used me a couple of times before but the covers never worked out. Probably because I'm super stiff and look mean/mad. She is a blossoming photographer, working on her skills and learning a ton, so it's really cool that she has these opportunities to not only design covers, but also do the photo shoots for them.

It's not easy making a supposedly natural pose look natural! To get the right smile, the eyes to look bright, the hand position to be correct. To not slouch or look posed. You would think sitting at a table drinking coffee or writing would be natural, but NOPE. I don't know how many times she had to tell me to smile more or shift left or right or tilt my head or shoulder or move my hand. I think she must have taken over 200 shots! After we were finished she looked through the photos to see if she could find any inspiration and she actually found an image she liked and wanted to try to use. See above!

There is a whole cover approval process, and it turns out this one got approved both in house and by the author, but then later was unapproved. (Many people in house didn't even know it was me at first!) Some people wanted to tweak it by taking away certain aspects, trying different layouts and colors, etc., and some people wanted an entirely different cover, different image, the whole shebang. Poor Kelly tried everything. Small changes, big changes, all new designs. It finally came down to deadline and needing to get the darn thing to press. I think everyone was basically OK with it in the end, but talk about pressure. What if the book doesn't sell well? It will be hard not to feel responsible! Who knew being a production manager could lead to modeling? ;) If you're interested in hiring me, contact my agent ;) Oh wait, I don't have an agent. And I don't want to be a model! But it was sure a cool experience. Better go buy the book!

Christmas/Birthday/New Years Continued...

...got more pictures from Patzy and couldn't NOT put them on the blog :)

relaxing in her chair among her balloons

new bike!

handing out presents

putting a shoe on her new doll Amelia. all of her other babies are named "Baby." I asked her if we should name this baby Gracie? No. Sophie? No. Amelia? Yes. :)

stylin' in her new nike outfit from Aunt Diana

could these cousins be any cuter? 

good thing Olivia has two babies! 

5'10"!

Olivia drives

Cade drives. For real. 

This was a fast and bumpy ride!!

all 14 of us

look out!

yes, all 14 again :)

Cade is like his Dad, everyone loves him :)

listen, when all 14 are together, you take pictures

at the hot springs in Ouray. 

Olivia had this smile on pretty much the entire time. She loved it!

she got it!

this is how she started every single blow :)

reenacting the party crackers