Tell you about me? Who is "me"?

One of my dear friends recently posted a blog about a question she was asked: “tell me about you.” After she thought about it for a minute her response was “I'm not sure there's much of ME left.” Have you ever felt that way? Granted she has had A LOT of changes in the last three years. More than I could probably ever handle. I’m sure it’s easy for her to wonder where the “old her” has gone. But let me tell you, Sar, when I read your blogs, which I know are just a small glimpse into your life and thoughts, you are truly the same woman you’ve always been. You ARE passionate. Perhaps your passions have changed. At least for a while. Maybe God made our personal worlds only big enough for a certain amount of passions so that we don’t go crazy or overextend ourselves. So that we can focus on our current passions enough to really count. I’m sure you hear it a lot: “being a mom is the greatest job on earth, blah blah blah.” I don’t know what that means or if I agree with it. But if you ARE a mom, then being passionate about your kids, your hubby, your home, wanting to be a good mama, wanting to be a light and an example, wondering how to do it right and well, those desires and thoughts come from the same Sar that was in the book! Once you get those things all figured out (well somewhat figured out, since I don’t think they can really be ALL figured out) then I think your life will open up more for the old or even new things to be passionate about. Maybe you’ll be passionate about new things WITH your girls J Think of how fun that would be!

Anyway, the point of my blog is not just to respond to sweet Sarah. It’s to relate to her. It’s amazing to think about how quickly and drastically life can change. Sometimes it’s obvious that we change, too, and sometimes it’s not. But changing isn’t bad. I’m sure it can be sometimes, but I think changing circumstances help us change for the good. If it seems bad, or like we have lost ourselves, maybe that is just the moment we need to understand how and why things are different and just exactly what to do with that fact. Now that I’ve been married for a year it’s amazing to look back and see how much my life has changed as well as how much I have changed. Some things worry me include. I don’t do as much with girlfriends, I’m much more selfish to be a wife than I should be, I’m not patient as a step mom, I’m worried that I’m not doing a good job balancing living life and being in love, I think I might be a crabby step mom who worries too much about keeping the house clean, I wonder if moving to this new house will make us poor and think about money too often, I think I might not communicate as well as I used to or as well as I should, etc. etc.

So what is good about these things? I have a wonderful husband who likes to do things with me, and I want to learn to appreciate time with him and make even the everyday things special. Like having fun cleaning the dishes after supper rather than thinking of it as a chore. I can learn to balance time with friends and cherish the things in me that they bring out. I can learn how to serve, serve, serve and give better. I think it probably takes practice. If it’s so hard in marriage to be selfless, imagine how much easier it will be in all areas of life once you have practiced it in marriage! I can take the time to remember the early days with Jeff. Instead of wishing things were more like they used to be, wondering if he’s thinking this or why he’s not doing that, I can show him how much I love him STILL and always will no matter how things change or how much time has passed. I’ve already, this very week, decided to figure out how to uncraze myself when it comes to the clean house. For example, I made a chore schedule. I’m going to try not to clean unless it’s time to clean. If the place is a bit dirty or cluttered, I’m going to remind myself that it’s not important. What’s important is that Jeff and Cade have gotten things done during the day. They’ve done projects. They’ve played games. They’ve been creative. Those things and memories are much more important and lasting than the fact that I will have to take 30 minutes sometime to clean up a bit. Cade is only with us for the summer and I want to make him feel welcome and loved and I want him to have fun, not have memories of Terri just wanting him to clean up. Trust me, I’m not doing a very good job on that yet. Communicate! Just talk things out. Maybe it will be uncomfortable. Maybe it won’t make sense. Maybe it will be annoying, even. But at the end of the conversation, won’t it be nice to have been heard and to have heard? Won’t there be relief that there is more understanding and things aren’t just rolling around in your brain, illogically, irrationally, fearfully, ridiculously?

I’m glad that Sar was asked the question and I’m glad she wrote about it. I’m glad that I have friends who are willing to be transparent and honest. I’m glad I’m not the only one wondering about some of these things. Sure, we can change for the bad. We can become crabby, depressed, sad, emotional. These are things we can take steps to change again, though. Looking at the reasons is helpful. Figuring out what can be done is key. Continuing on in an unhealthy pattern is not good. There are lots of changes that are great. They might be temporary, they might be permanent. They aren’t core changes, though, they are just circumstantial. I believe passionate, joyful, God-fearing Sar of three years ago is the same girl today, just with different things to focus those qualities on. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of who we are, so we can then keep going forward as that person.