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Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Welcome to my amusement park

Here’s the thing about having a baby. It’s like a total roller-coaster ride in my brain and heart. One hour I’ll be missing my teeny tiny newborn baby, one hour I’ll be so excited for the days she can talk and one hour I want to freeze time so I don’t forget my precious girl at this exact moment. When I see a mom at the store with a little newborn, my heart about falls out with missing for my little Olivia when she was so small. On the other hand, when I see a mom holding her toddlers hand as they walk down the street, my heart longs for the day I’ll be able to have such a special relationship with Livi. And then there are the evenings and weekends when I’m spending precious time with my baby and I can’t imagine her at any other age or stage. She is perfect. Her dimples, the way she squeezes her arms and sort of jerks her body back when she smiles, the way she rubs her nose and eyes when she’s sleepy, the way she grabs her toes or rocks her arms back and forth or reaches for things. My heart could just about explode. To be honest, though, there are still some really hard times. I imagine that won’t end until, well, I die! She gets very LOUD nowadays. She gets fussy and loud when she is tired, yet she fights sleep like crazy. Cheryl says she just falls right to sleep for her. Hmmm. What must she be doing differently? She still seems to have difficult evenings. Is it because I've started back on dairy? Is it just her personality? Should we be doing something different with her? Is she bored? Uncomfortable? Angry? I’ve been feeding her close to every 3 hours on weekends to try to keep my milk supply up, but I imagine she could go longer. I worry about her eating and if she is getting enough at daycare. And then I have these irrational fears of her getting hurt. My mind is like a horror movie that plays video footage of her falling and I can’t erase it. I have to immediately think of something else or I am consumed. I wonder how we will teach her to be loving, compassionate, gentle, respectful, accepting, caring, giving. How will we make sure she has good friends? How will we give her confidence to try new things? How will we assure her that she’s wonderful and amazing and loved just as she is? How will I handle tantrums? Heart breaks? Broken bones? Wow. From birth to adulthood all in 5 minutes. And I could go on! That’s a mama’s brain for you! ;) What a journey. The most difficult, most wonderful thing I’ve ever done.

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